


The Kid's Aren't Alright

by gothwoozi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Crushes, Dating Scandal, First Kiss, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, YIKES I BROKE MY OWN HEART WRITING THE FIRST CHAPTER, but also an alternate universe????, how do those rules work???, so not an alternate universe???
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-09-30 10:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17221865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothwoozi/pseuds/gothwoozi
Summary: Usually, one has to make many sacrifices to even have a chance to be in the same stratosphere of their dreams. And even then, there are no guarantees in this life. This is especially true for the select few who thrust themselves into the public eye and call themselves a variety of names: idols, entertainers, artists, whatever suits their fancy.Jihoon understands these sacrifices… or at least, he thought he did.Then, Kwon Soonyoung blew into his life.





	1. I Think You're My Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SunAndMoon (LadyMorgaine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMorgaine/gifts).



> this is one is for nettles!! 
> 
> please forgive me if i get a few predebut details wrong, i didn't really become a fan until dwc
> 
> the title is after the fall out boy song of the same name.... because i think the lyrics are very appropriate for the direction im heading with this one. 
> 
> please enjoy!

 

Usually, one has to make many sacrifices to even have a chance to be in the same stratosphere of their dreams. And even then, there are no guarantees in this life. This is especially true for the select few who thrust themselves into the public eye and call themselves a variety of names: idols, entertainers, artists, whatever suits their fancy.

Jihoon understands these sacrifices… or at least, he thought he did.

Then, Kwon Soonyoung blew into his life.

“Who’s that, hyung?” Jihoon asks Seungcheol, as they peer into the window of the practice room. Inside, a kid (who can’t be any older than he is) goes through a standard dance routine. From the way his hair is soaked in sweat and his chest is heaving, Jihoon can tell he’s been in there a long time.

“New trainee,” Seungcheol informs him. Jihoon tends to trust whatever Seungcheol tells him since he’s been here a year longer. “Pledis cast him last week.”

For a moment, Jihoon watches the guy move along to an R&B track they’ve had on loop for a week. He’s definitely got a lot of potential… which is more than most can claim.

“He’s good,” Jihoon comments to his friend.

The music begins to slow down to a stop, and the guy stops moving. After a second, as he’s hunching over to catch his breath, he notices the pair watching him from the window. He gives a wide, beaming grin, and Jihoon has to ignore the stirring in his chest.

“Let’s go introduce ourselves,” Seungcheol suggests, opening the door into the practice room. Something about the feeling in his chest makes Jihoon not want to go.

But, Jihoon isn’t one to argue with Seungcheol, so he follows anyway. Though, for some reason, it almost feels like his death march. Friendly and kind as always, Seungcheol greets the guy, and the guy is very bright about it in return.

“I’m Kwon Soonyoung,” the guy introduces with a bow. Though Jihoon doesn’t realize it at the time, that name will be forever etched onto his soul.

Seungcheol does the same, while Jihoon just stands there silently. He was never great at talking to people, to begin with, much less the guy who is making his stomach flutter. Expectantly, _Soonyoung_ stares at him, and Jihoon definitely doesn’t pick up on the social cue. He’s too busy studying the little details of _Soonyoung_ ’ _s_ face.

It doesn’t occur to him that he should introduce himself as well until Seungcheol nudges him with his elbow.

“Oh! Sorry,” Jihoon mumbles sheepishly, shaking himself out of his stupor. He returns all the same niceties one is supposed to. “I’m Lee Jihoon.”

“Forgive him. He’s a little shy,” Seungcheol excuses Jihoon’s awkward behavior.

In response, Soonyoung just laughs it off and says “that’s ok.”

Desperately, Jihoon tries to ignore the way his heart lurches at the other’s laugh.

 

*****

 

The difficulties one suffers as a trainee is just another sacrifice. Jihoon understands this, though… it’s always easier when there’s someone else by your side.

He checks his watch.

_3:02 a.m._

School starts in less than 5 hours, yet he’s been in the sound booth since approximately 10 o’clock. He considers it devotion, others may consider it a one-way ticket to the emergency room for exhaustion.

As he leaves to go back to the dorm, he notices the rest of the studio isn’t entirely dead. Glancing through the window of the practice room, he sees none other than Kwon Soonyoung, still practicing.

If someone asked, Jihoon would never admit it, but he’s been watching Soonyoung practice often. He tells himself it’s purely because he admires the other’s talent, but there’s something in his heart that tells him there’s much more than that.

Of course, he won’t listen to his heart, because he _can’t_ like a boy. That would ruin the whole plan. All his work would’ve been for nothing.

So, he tells his heart to hold it’s tongue.

And, he enters the practice room. Even with the disturbance, Soonyoung doesn’t stop dancing to the Jay-Z song (that Jihoon can’t remember the name of). There’s a sharp glimmer in his eye, and Jihoon _knows_ he’s just as devoted to this as he is.

The music slows down to a stop, and Soonyoung finally lets out the groan he’s been holding in. In exhaustion, he slinks down to the floor, sweat dripping down his face, his chest, the back of his neck, and everywhere else. Jihoon tosses him a water bottle that he finds resting by one of the chairs.

“Thanks,” Soonyoung rasps, gulping the water down as if he had been wandering the desert for a week. Jihoon sits down on the floor a couple feet away from the other.

“That was really cool,” Jihoon comments, nervously rubbing his sweaty palms on the material of his jeans. “You should teach me to do that some time.”

Soonyoung glances up from his spot on the floor, studying Jihoon for a moment. Then, he rests his head back down.

“Anytime,” the other mumbles, now holding the cool water bottle against his forehead.

It’s silent for a moment. Jihoon fiddles with a loose thread on the hem of his shirt.

“Why are you here so late?” Soonyoung finally asks.

“I could ask you the same question,” Jihoon huffs.

“I suppose we would both have the same answer,” he teases with a smile, sitting upright to be able to look at Jihoon. The way the other stares and, moreover, _smiles_ at him causes his heart to _lurch_ more. Jihoon needs to try to suffocate that feeling before it becomes too much of an issue.

Immediately, Jihoon averts his gaze, causing Soonyoung’s smile to momentarily falter. Though, that doesn’t last long. How could he be upset when _Jihoon is so cute_?

“We should go back to the dorms,” Jihoon suggest with a tense cough. He gets up from his spot on the floor and offers Soonyoung his hand.

It may be due to exhaustion, but Soonyoung swears he can see Jihoon’s hands shaking.

 

*****

 

A few months pass. Pledis accepts two new trainees, Wonwoo and Mingyu. It’s a Friday evening, so the staff has agreed to buy them fast food after their rehearsal. Silently in the corner, Jihoon chews around a lukewarm hamburger, watching the three of them squished so close together. Even though, there was plenty of room to spread out.

Jihoon isn’t very fond of skinship. Whenever most people try to initiate it, he immediately cringes away. It isn’t because he dislikes that certain person, but rather he just prefers not to be touched. And, in the midst of questioning his sexuality, skinship with other guys is _especially_ strange for him.

So, while Soonyoung is content to engage in all sorts of light touches with the new trainees, Jihoon just sits idly by in his secluded spot of the training room. He isn’t sure why, but it kind of hurts him to watch the two newcomers have fun with Soonyoung.

By no means does he dislike the new trainees. In fact, he thinks they’re both very talented in their own rights. Despite Wonwoo being more mild-mannered than Mingyu, they’re both polite. There’s really no reason to dislike them, so of course, he likes them.

But, definitely _not_ to the way he likes Soonyoung.

The guy is _always_ so full of positive energy. Even when they’re eating food that has probably sat out for the past few hours, he’s still giddy about the chance to eat. He never really complains, even when their company gives them plenty to complain about.

Jihoon thinks he likes Soonyoung so much, because he _desperately_ needs that positive energy in his life.

Just as Soonyoung is shoving a soggy french fry in his mouth and laughing at a joke Mingyu makes (that Jihoon can’t hear), he catches Jihoon’s eye and freezes.

 _Shit! Shit! Shit!_ Jihoon thinks. He was so obviously staring at him, as he zoned out thinking about how much he _likes_ him. He just _has_ to make life more difficult for himself.

Unlike what Jihoon expected in response, Soonyoung sends an ear-splitting grin his way. Jihoon’s heart begins pounding in his chest.

“Would you like to come sit with us?” Soonyoung asks him from across the room. Suddenly, Wonwoo’s and Mingyu’s attention is on him as well.

He swallows the lump in his throat.

Wordlessly, he nods, picking up his food to cross a dozen feet between them. Nervously, he sits down next to them, still keeping his space.

Wonwoo and Mingyu exchange a look that Jihoon can’t recognize.

“Jihoonie’s just shy,” Soonyoung excuses, grinning fondly at the other. The word “Jihoonie” coming out of Soonyoung’s mouth makes Jihoon’s stomach flutter.

After a second of silence, Wonwoo speaks up.

“Soonyoung-ah, did you see the new episode of Hunter x Hunter?” he asks nonchalantly, taking a sip of his soda. Instantly, Jihoon’s ears perk up. Anime is his guilty pleasure and his favorite way to relax when he isn’t focusing on practice or schoolwork.

As his mouth is full of burger, Soonyoung just hums in response.

“Hisoka is really starting to creep me out,” he comments, swallowing his mouthful of burger.

“I feel bad for Killua,” Jihoon interjects, wanting in on the conversation. Both Soonyoung and Wonwoo seem surprised he even spoke at all.

Soon, their conversation devolves into what they think about the current story arc, and for once, Jihoon isn’t so concerned with his feelings.

 

*****

 

Within a few weeks, Soonyoung, Wonwoo, and Jihoon become very close friends. When they aren’t practicing, they’ll watch anime together or go to the arcade. Jihoon even thinks his feelings for Soonyoung may be settling down into something that's more like something you would feel for a good friend.

Or at least, he thought so… until Soonyoung’s begins to take Jihoon’s friendliness as an invitation to initiate those little touches he does with everyone else.

Jihoon notices it beginning more and more often. When they’re taking breaks during rehearsals. When they’re eating dinner together. When they’re walking to school. When they’re relaxing and playing video games.

He thinks it actually may start to drive him crazy.

As they walk down the busy Seoul street, Jihoon _really_ hopes Soonyoung will make Wonwoo his object of affection this time. It’s a Saturday night, and Saturdays are scheduled rest days for them. While Mingyu is visiting his family, they opt to blow through their free-time at a local arcade.

Just in sight of the arcade, Wonwoo stops in front of one of the street vendors.

“I’m kinda hungry,” he mentions, licking his lips at the foods on display. “Are you guys hungry?”

“Always,” Soonyoung murmurs. Then, he approaches Jihoon from behind slinging both arms around the other’s shoulders and pressing his chest to the other’s back. His face instantly heats up when he realizes _how close_ Soonyoung’s cheek is to his.

“Will you buy me a fishcake, Jihoonie?” he requests in a sickly sweet voice. Out of the corner of his eye, Jihoon notices some girls about their age giggling at Soonyoung’s cutesy behavior. It makes him queasy.

But, his stomach really turns when the middle-aged man attending the booth quirks his eyebrow skeptically at Soonyoung’s display of affection and Jihoon’s bashful response to it.

 _Does he know?_ Jihoon thinks in a panic, feeling his heart begin to race faster than it ever has.

In that sense of panic, Jihoon instantly shrugs Soonyoung’s arms off of him. He misses the way Soonyoung’s smile falls from his face for a split-second, but Wonwoo didn’t.

“Didn’t your parents give you an allowance last week?” Jihoon grumbles, moving to Wonwoo’s left side to distance himself from the other. He can’t even meet Soonyoung’s gaze right now. If he does, then his eyes alone will spill all the emotions he’s been harboring inside for the last few months.

“Yeah, but your parents give you more than mine do,” Soonyoung mumbles back, averting his eyes as well so nobody in the vicinity can see the hurt in them.

Wonwoo groans loudly.

“I’ll buy your fishcake, Soonyoung,” he interrupts, offering the vendor his money. In return, the man (still wearing a skeptical expression) offers him 2 fishcakes.

Suddenly, Jihoon isn’t so hungry.

 

*****

 

None of them speak about the incident at the street vendor. Jihoon is complacent to forget it ever happened at all. In fact, Soonyoung begins to shift his affection towards the other trainees, which he is more than relieved about.

Or, a least he thought so… until he realizes the monster called infatuation rapidly growing in his chest wants _all of Soonyoung’s attention for his own._

Then, he begins to tease Soonyoung endlessly.

Soonyoung doesn’t notice Jihoon’s behavior, or if he does, he certainly doesn’t say anything about it.

But, Wonwoo certainly does.

It’s a Tuesday evening. He and Wonwoo have been in the rehearsal room since they got home from school at around 4 o’clock. Much to Jihoon’s confusing simultaneous relief and disappointment, Soonyoung is still back at the dorms, working on homework.

A Drake song softly plays in the background as they both sit down for a break.

“What’s going on with you and Soonyoung?” Wonwoo asks, studying Jihoon’s reception of the question very closely. As soon as the words come out of Wonwoo’s mouth, Jihoon starts choking on the water he was drinking.

“What are you talking about?” Jihoon tries to blow him off, refusing to make eye contact with the other. The thing Jihoon dislikes most about Wonwoo is how perceptive the other is. By just one glance of Jihoon’s expression, Wonwoo would probably know everything that is on his mind.

“You’re very… mixed about the way you’ve been acting around him,” Wonwoo continues, still trying to read Jihoon’s expression. “Like… you refuse him if he tries to be affectionate toward you, but when he’s not focusing his attention on you, it’s like you want all of his affection.”

“What’s your point?” Jihoon snaps, finally meeting eyes with the other.

And, just like that, Wonwoo can read it all on his face. He might as well tattoo _I love Kwon Soonyoung_ on his forehead.

There’s a beat of silence between them.

“No point,” Wonwoo finally says, getting up resume practice. “I just think you should reevaluate your actions if we’re ever going to debut as a team.”

 

******

 

Since his talk with Wonwoo, Jihoon has mentally forced himself to substantially relax around Soonyoung. No matter what he does his feelings for Soonyoung won’t go away. So, he comes to the conclusion that he just has to accept them for what they are and try to act as normal as possible around the other.

It’s really easier said than done when Soonyoung has slipped back into his habit of being overly affectionate.

They’re walking to the arcade again, now accompanied by Mingyu and another new trainee, Vernon. Soonyoung has one arm slung around Vernon and the other around Wonwoo. Jihoon makes sure to walk with Wonwoo and Mingyu in between him and Soonyoung to avoid just this kind of skinship.

Just outside of the arcade, they notice a group of girls standing, all in school uniforms. They look and giggle, whispering amongst themselves. Everyone but Jihoon smiles back at them, while he just squints at the sky and pretends to see an interesting bird flying overhead.

It’s not as if he hasn’t _tried_ to like girls. Desperately, he would spend _hours_ watching girl-group performances or some explicit content he finds online. But, every single time, he finds that no girl sets his heart on fire the way boys do.

Especially, the way one boy in particular does.

And right now, that one boy is smiling at an actual _girl_ in a _skirt_. The exact thing he probably likes.

Even if Jihoon wasn’t so concerned about his future career, he knows he wouldn’t stand a chance with Soonyoung.

After talking to the girls for a moment, they actually go inside the arcade, and Jihoon just wants to kick some ass in Mortal Kombat to ignore the aching in his chest.

“Hyung,” Vernon addresses him, following him to the machine Jihoon has spent countless hours taking out his frustrations. “That girl with the red headband was totally staring at you. Why didn’t you say anything to her?”

“Didn’t notice,” Jihoon mumbles under his breath. He totally noticed, but he knew there would be no point acknowledging it. Even if she found him attractive, nothing would ever come of it. “Are you going to play against me?”

“You bet, hyung.”

Much to Jihoon’s chagrin, the others gather around to watch this virtual fight. He really hopes everyone would drop the girls.

“How did you not notice that girl looking at you, hyung?” Mingyu asks Jihoon.

Of course, Jihoon can never really have what he wants.

“Don’t know,” he deadpans, defeating Vernon’s Sheeva with his Sub-Zero in the first round in a matter of seconds.

Second Round.

“I mean how could she not stare at him,” Soonyoung mentions, slinging his arm around Jihoon’s shoulder. His palms instantly become clammy, and his pulse starts racing. This is something a girl could never do to him.

Once again, Jihoon annihilates Vernon.

Third Round.

“Our Jihoonie is so cute,” Soonyoung coos, nuzzling his head against the other’s

_Fatality._

Jihoon hyper focuses on Sub-Zero ripping out Sheeva’s spine, instead of the way he can feel Soonyoung’s breath against his cheek.

“Why are you so good at this, hyung?” Vernon whines, giving up his spot to the next competitor, Mingyu.

“I’ll never tell,” Jihoon claims.

Certainly, he _absolutely_ never will. This secret will go with him to the grave.

 

******

 

“You should start composing your own songs,” Soonyoung suggests to him one day, as they’re running through dance practices again. They keep inching closer and closer to debut (with two more trainees, Seungkwan and Chan to prove it), and it’s around the time Jihoon has to seriously consider what his role in this group is going to be.

“Why?”  
“It’ll help you develop a better sense of rhythm.”

So, Jihoon does compose a song called “Shining Diamond.” In his opinion, it’s really not much, but Pledis and, more importantly, the other members seem to like it.

But, none of the praise compares to when Soonyoung breaks into a beaming smile the first time he listens to it.

 

*****

 

Jihoon _really_ does his best to ignore all of Soonyoung’s little affectionate touches. He’s actually discovered that he really values Soonyoung’s friendship when he’s not thinking about how much he wants to pin the other to the wall and kiss him until he’s gasping for breath.

It _definitely_ doesn’t help that the other has found _yet another way_ to get under his skin.

Almost faded out from exhaustion, Jihoon collapses on his bed. They just spent 6 hours practicing, and Vernon is resting on the bunk above him.

Suddenly, the door creaks open, letting in a little light from the hallway.

“Hyung?” Vernon groggily mumbles, squinting at the silhouette of none other than _Kwon Soonyoung_.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he answers, tip-toeing to Jihoon’s bed. “Go back to sleep, kiddo.”

Immediately, Vernon does as he’s told, turning away from the door and throwing a pillow over his face to block out the light.

“May I join you?” Soonyoung questions Jihoon in a hushed whisper, crouching directly in front of his bed.

“You have a bed,” Jihoon grumbles, turning over as well soon he doesn’t have to look at the flush on Soonyoung’s face. He tells himself _it’s just because of the exercise_ , and he should by no means _delude himself_.

It’s really quiet for a moment.

“I’m lonely,” Soonyoung croaks in an almost broken voice. Jihoon _swears_ he’s _never_ seen Soonyoung upset before, but when he turns back over, he sees tears glimmering in Soonyoung’s eyes. “Please.”

Frankly, Jihoon isn’t sure why Soonyoung chose _him,_ rather than Wonwoo or Seungkwan or _literally anybody else_ , but… he can’t bear to let the other walk away upset.

Silently, he lifts up his blanket, inviting Soonyoung into his bed.

Without a hesitation, Soonyoung scurries onto the bed, leaving Jihoon to notice _how little room there is between them._ With their legs tangled, both of them stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, resting their heads on Jihoon’s pillow.

It’s silent except the howling of a few dogs outside.

“I knew it was going to be hard,” Soonyoung speaks softly as if he’s letting out secrets he would never tell anyone else besides Jihoon. It almost makes Jihoon feel… special. Jihoon needs no clarification of what he’s talking about. As they get closer to debut, training becomes more difficult for all of them. “I just didn’t think it would be this hard.”

Patiently, Jihoon just listens, against his better judgement he holds Soonyoung’s hand as a comforting gesture.

“Do you ever just want to quit?” Soonyoung asks, searching Jihoon’s face for his earnest answer.

“We all feel like that at some point,” Jihoon mutters, feeling his heart break in his chest at the idea of Soonyoung ever quitting. He knows Soonyoung is _so much more passionate_ about performing than most people could ever hope to be. His skills go so much farther than natural talent, because he’s spent _years_ of his life developing them. He just wishes he knew how to say these things to Soonyoung.

“Don’t ever quit, though,”  he commands of the other, staring at him determinedly. “One day, millions of people will know your name and _know_ what a good performer you are. And, it will all be because you put in years worth of effort. _We’re_ all supposed to stay together.”

He doesn’t mention how much he’d miss Soonyoung if he suddenly wasn’t in his life anymore.

There are tears in Soonyoung’s eyes.

“Thanks, Jihoonie,” he breathes, still trapping Jihoon in his gaze. Jihoon doesn’t know what it is about Soonyoung’s eyes, but he finds them so hypnotic. They have the power to make him forget years worth of worries and anxieties. Against his better judgement again, Jihoon finds himself glancing at the other’s lips.

They’ve always looked so soft and pink. Jihoon _really_ wants to know what they taste like… _what they feel like against his._

Slowly, Jihoon finds himself gravitating towards the other, unable to restrain himself any longer. Suddenly, he doesn’t care too much about the sacrifices he’s been forced to make.

In that moment, all he cared about was Soonyoung.

Though Jihoon didn’t realize it at the time, the other began to lean into him as well.

Finally, Jihoon captures Soonyoung’s lips with his, and it feels like a bright pink flower has bloomed in his heart. In those few seconds that Soonyoung kisses him back, everything in his world feels so vibrant.

He never wants to let that feeling go.

But, he has to.

Because, Soonyoung pulls away.

“We shouldn’t, Jihoon,” Soonyoung pleads with guilt written on his face, worrying his lip in between his teeth. And, Jihoon _knows_ he’s right, but… he doesn’t want him to be.

It’s deathly silent between them for a moment until Soonyoung turns over, so he doesn’t have to face Jihoon -- his mistake.

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” he mumbles, and Jihoon _really_ doesn’t want to hear his name come out of Soonyoung’s mouth anymore. It hurts too much.

With hot tears welling up in his eyes, he returns it, trying to control the way his voice begins to shake.

  



	2. When It Rains, It Pours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh so planned on there being only 3 chapters, but it's been such a busy week with new years and work that ive decided to split a chapter in half and still update on schedule
> 
> here's what i have so far... (i promise the angst will disappear over time)
> 
> btw i know cheol helped write the lyrics for adore u, but im not sure who wrote what so for the purposes of this fic let's just pretend.

One day, Jihoon notices they’ve put cameras in the training room and all the sound booths. It’s really just _yet another thing_ he has to be ultra-conscious of. So, whenever he’s in the training room or the sound booths, he avoids Soonyoung like the plague. He doesn’t want the cameras to catch _anything_ the internet could possibly analyze the true nature of his feelings towards Soonyoung.

As he slowly grows numb to the pain of being rejected, he notices he doesn’t mind skinship with other members so much. Whether it be wrestling with Mingyu or letting Seungcheol put his arm around his shoulder on, it doesn’t really matter to him. They’re not the ones Jihoon has spent the last few years fruitlessly pining after.

Truthfully, Jihoon thinks he’s dealing with this rejection well… until Pledis decides what their debut concept should be.

“A love song?” Jihoon questions skeptically. God… he really hopes they don’t want him to help write it.

“Yeah. They want you to write it,” Bumzu answers matter-of-factly, playing with the settings on the studio’s soundboard.

 _Of course, they do_ , Jihoon groans internally.

Was Soonyoung even worth all this hurt he’s feeling right now?

“I-I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Jihoon stutters, feeling a heavy weight in his chest. Quizzically, Bumzu turns to look at him. “I-I mean… I’ve never even dated anyone. I don’t know anything about love.”

“You don’t have to date someone to be in love,” the other points out. A large lump forms in Jihoon’s throat, and he feels like he might choke at any moment. _Would he even qualify what he felt for Soonyoung as love?_

Bumzu’s gaze softens and he continues, “There must be someone you’ve had a crush on before… just write about that feeling. It doesn’t have to be anything serious like ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with this person,’ just… think about it.”

“Right,” Jihoon mumbles distractedly.

 _Just write about that feeling_ , he thinks. _Easier said than done._

 

****

 

Jihoon has been suffering over writing these lyrics for _weeks._ It’s impossibly difficult to describe how he feels for Soonyoung… or felt?

No.

It’s definitely still “ _feels_.” Present tense.

Jihoon is still very much head over heels for Soonyoung.

In fact, he thinks Soonyoung could tell him to walk onto a train track and wait for a train to come, and he would still adore the guy. It makes him feel sick –  how much he cares about Soonyoung. He would never admit to it, but he thinks he may actually be in love with _Kwon Soonyoung_.

And, for the past 2 hours, he’s been staring at a blank notepad, trying to figure out how to describe how much he _loves_ _Kwon Soonyoung_ in a way that doesn’t hurt. It’s currently 2 a.m., and Jihoon has been sitting alone in the soundbooth, restraining all his feelings inside. Because, he _knows_ once he starts to vomit them out onto the page, they’ll never stop coming out.

The door of the soundbooth creaks open.

Seungcheol’s head peaks in through the crack.

“Hey, kiddo,” he mutters quietly, though Jihoon isn’t sure why. Nobody’s around. Everybody is asleep at the dorms. Maybe, Seungcheol doesn’t want to speak too loudly, because he doesn’t want to disturb Jihoon as he wallows in his misery. Without speaking, Seungcheol enters and closes the door behind him.

Jihoon continues to stare at the notepad.

“You know you have school in the morning, right?” he asks, taking the rolling chair next to Jihoon’s.

Silently, Jihoon just nods.

Seungcheol peaks over Jihoon’s shoulder. “What are you working on?”

“Lyrics.”

The other lets out a hearty laugh. “Your notepad looks a little blank.”

Jihoon doesn’t laugh. “I know.”

The room falls into tense silence.

“What’s the song supposed to be about?”

“Love.”

Then, out of the corner of his eye, Jihoon sees Seungcheol suck in a deep breath as if he _knows_.

More tense silence.

“I heard from the grapevine that _something_ happened between you and Soonyoung,” Seungcheol mentions gently.

 _Great,_ Jihoon thinks. _Seungcheol and the whole group know that I’m gay. Fantastic news._

“And, what might that _something_ be?” Jihoon deadpans, refusing to look at Seungcheol.

The other coughs.

“Well… uh… According to Seokmin, you kissed him,” Seungcheol manages, almost very afraid to hit any sore spots.

 _Well_ , Jihoon thinks. _He can consider all of them hit._

“Are you here to lecture me as the leader?” Jihoon finally turns to look at Seungcheol, feeling the frustration and annoyance of harboring _all these feelings_ well up inside him. “To tell me that I shouldn’t have jeopardized the group like that?”

“No,” Seungcheol instantly remarks with a solemn expression. “I mean… I should… but you already seem to be suffering plenty.”

“Thanks for noticing. Anything else, hyung?” Jihoon chides, now doodling little skulls on his notepad.

Seungcheol sucks in a deep breath.

“I know it can’t be easy for you. Everybody expects so much of you. I came here to tell you that if you’re gay, I support you 100%, but you know how relationships work. If you and Soonyoung were to suddenly hate each other, it would ruin the _entire group’s_ dynamic.”

The word “hate” sends knives flying directly into Jihoon’s heart.

“Did Soonyoung say he hates me?” Jihoon worries. A dark cloud of anxiety starts swallowing him whole. He’s not sure if he could live with himself if he made Soonyoung _hate_ him.

“No!” Seungcheol quickly clarifies. “I’m _just saying_. Think about your actions first.”

Jihoon is beginning to grow tired of _constantly analyzing his every step_.

It’s just another sacrifice.

But… Jihoon keeps sacrificing so much of himself that he doesn’t know how much of him will be left.

They haven’t even debuted yet.

 

*****

 

Finally, Jihoon somehow manages to spill what he can of his feelings onto the page. The company has approved of the songs and started distributing lines just a week ago. Selfishly, Jihoon is relieved Soonyoung only has a handful of lines. He doesn’t want to have to hear Soonyoung sing the lyrics Jihoon wrote about _him_.

Though, it doesn’t hurt much less to hear the lyrics being sung at all. As the members pass through Jihoon’s studio to record their parts, each line tears a little deeper into the chasm that has opened up in his heart.  Thoughts start to race in his head, swarming him like vultures.

 

_I feel weird, I’m not talking as much_

_My friends are all worried (these days)_

 

Jihoon starts to realize it was a _mistake_ to allow himself to fall for Soonyoung in the first place.

 

_My heart races only when I’m in front of you_

_So I’m sorry about my clumsy actions_

 

He should’ve _never_ kissed the other. It was _foolish_ of him to think anything good would come of it.

 

_Why are you keeping a front?_

_I don’t know, I don’t know what will happen_

 

He’s thrown away a good friendship.

 

_I adore you, I adore you, enough to get dizzy_

 

Even knowing all of this… Jihoon still doesn’t want to regret that kiss. He’s fallen so deeply for Soonyoung, and even when he’s drowning in his mistake, he can’t help but cherish that vibrant feeling Soonyoung made him feel.

Soonyoung is the last to record his lines. Jihoon isn’t sure if that’s due to personal choice or company intervention, but he doesn’t mind either way. He wanted to delay seeing Soonyoung for as long as possible.

When he finally sees the other walk through the studio door, it feels hurricane has blown through Jihoon’s emotions. There’s debris everywhere, and Jihoon has no idea what to salvage first.

“Hi,” Soonyoung mumbles awkwardly, refusing to make eye contact with Jihoon. Jihoon tries to suffocate the dull ache in his heart.

“Hi,” he deadpans back, trying to seem unaffected by Soonyoung’s presence. He’s not sure how well it’s working, though.

“I read your lyrics,” he manages, putting the headphones over his ears.

“Great. Do you want a cookie or something?” Jihoon snaps, rolling his eyes as he fixes the settings on his soundboard.

“No. I just thought… they were very beautiful.”

Jihoon has to restrain himself from sarcastically saying “ _Thanks. They were all about you_.”

 


	3. I'll Be Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> certain tags have been changed because the flow of this story took me in a different direction than i expected. 
> 
> it's not the best i've ever done, but i do hope that you guys enjoy it

After they finish promotions for debut, Jihoon really convinces himself that he is  _ over Kwon Soonyoung _ . In fact, he’s so busy worrying about every aspect of his career that he had absolutely zero time to worry about Soonyoung. Though, he still had to do  _ fanservice  _ with the guy, he was completely and utterly  _ over him _ . 

 

Or, at least that’s what he thought until he ended up alone with the guy at 2 a.m.

 

As per usual, Jihoon is working in his studio, trying to come up with inspiration for  _ yet another love song _ , because apparently, Pledis wants to portray the image that they’re naive young boys with puppy crushes. That ship has already sailed for Jihoon. How is he supposed to write a love song when he’s turned into the world’s greatest cynic about the subject?

 

And, almost as if the universe was trying to taunt Jihoon, none other than  _ Kwon Soonyoung _ peeks his head into  _ Jihoon’s private studio.  _

 

“Hi, Hoonie,” he mutters quietly as if he’s afraid to incur Jihoon’s wrath. 

 

“What do you want?” Jihoon snaps in response, not looking away from his computer. If he does, then he’ll see Soonyoung’s upset face, and that would only make him more annoyed.  _ He _ should be the one who’s upset.  _ He’s  _ the one who had his heart crush. 

 

“I think we should talk,” the other explains, closing the studio door behind him as he enters. 

 

“We should have talked weeks ago, Soonyoung.”

 

“I know.”

 

Jihoon spins around in his chair to look at the other who is still nervously leaning against the wood door. He refuses to make eye contact with Jihoon. The other begins to worry his lip in between his teeth and twiddle his thumbs. It’s very rare for Jihoon to speak directly to Soonyoung at all these days, much less a nervous Soonyoung. 

He doesn’t really want to think about carefree Kwon Soonyoung worrying over him, because he is officially  _ over  _ the guy. No more silly crushes. No more impossible fantasies. 

For the sake of his own career, Jihoon  _ has _ to be over Soonyoung.

“Are you mad at me?” the other squeaks meekly, and it makes Jihoon want to scream. When he thinks deeply about it, he’s not actually  _ that _ upset with Soonyoung. The other was only doing what was best for both of them. 

Jihoon is more angry at the fact that ignoring their feelings for each other was best for them. 

“No,” Jihoon sighs, dropping all his defenses. “I’m more angry at the situation than anything else.”

Without hesitation, Soonyoung instantly claims “me too!”

They finally make eye contact. 

“So, what do we do about it?” Jihoon asks, feeling his heart in his throat as Soonyoung stares at him like he’s special. It’s all he’s ever wanted, but  _ he shouldn’t have it.  _

There’s a heavy beat of silence. Soonyoung opens and shuts his mouth a couple times as if he has something he wants to say but can’t. 

“Spit it out, Kwon!” the other snaps. 

For a moment, a shocked look takes over the other’s face but is soon replaced by a heavy gaze that Jihoon can’t quite read. Smoothly, Soonyoung crosses to Jihoon’s spot in the room, placing both of his hands on the arms of Jihoon’s chair and trapping him in. As Soonyoung leans over him, Jihoon thinks he’s about to have a heart attack from the way the erratic beating in his chest. 

“I was thinking about a  _ no-strings-attached  _ sort of relationship,” Soonyoung explains calmly, almost purring. The worst thing is that  _ Jihoon is totally falling for it _ . His mind tells him to cut this short. He knows he wouldn’t survive a  _ no-strings-attached _ relationship with Soonyoung. Inevitably, he’s going to start wanting strings. 

But, instead of telling Soonyoung to shut up, Jihoon somehow continues to let him speak. 

“I’m attracted to you, and you’re clearly attracted to me,” Soonyoung continues, nearing closer and closer to Jihoon’s face. Jihoon isn’t stopping the other though.  _ Why isn’t he stopping the other?  _

Because, he doesn’t want to. 

Because, he’d rather have  _ just a little bit of Soonyoung  _ than nothing. 

Like an idiot, he’d rather have his heart poised for more hurt than never kiss Soonyoung again. 

“Since we’re idols, we shouldn’t date,” Soonyoung utters, only a few inches away from Jihoon’s face. Jihoon’s pretty sure he would sell his soul for Soonyoung to  _ always  _ keep staring at him this way. “But… that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun behind closed doors. I have desires. You have desires. We could help each other.”

Jihoon  _ really should say no _ . 

“Ok,” he breathes, giving in to that voice in his heart that’s  _ screaming _ for Kwon Soonyoung. 

Finally, Soonyoung leans in to kiss him. That addicting vibrant feeling returns yet again. 

 

*****

 

Over the next few weeks, Jihoon’s private studio becomes both a blessing and a curse, because they decide to use the lock on the door to their advantage. Often after a practice or performance, they’ll tumble through, tearing at each other’s clothes, until someone’s back inevitably hits the couch. 

For Jihoon, it’s both the  _ best  _ and the  _ worst  _ feeling. 

He thought that maybe if he could have just a little bit of Soonyoung, then he’d be satisfied. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he tricked himself into thinking he’d get over Soonyoung if he  _ could have just one little taste.  _

Once again (and definitely not for the last time), Jihoon has fooled himself. 

There was no such thing as  _ one little taste _ . 

Jihoon’s entire relationship with Soonyoung has been filled with  _ one-little-taste _ s He only realizes this as he watches a post-sex Soonyoung pick up  _ Jihoon’s shirt  _ off the floor and put it on. Granted, it isn’t uncommon for the members to share clothes. 

But,  _ god _ . 

This was on an entirely different level. 

Jihoon glances down at his collarbone. It’s  _ littered _ with bruises… So are Soonyoung’s barely covered thighs. 

Suddenly, Jihoon forgets to breathe. 

Internally, he could make some complaint about how he  _ should’ve never let things come this far. _ But, he knows that would be bullshit. 

This was inevitable. 

He’s spent so many years trying to erase his own feelings that he’s never dealt with them properly… never confronted them. 

No longer. 

He’s actually in love with Kwon Soonyoung. 

There’s no use in pretending that he’s not. 

“Hey, Soonyoung,” he croaks, feeling his voice shake a little bit. “I have to tell you something, and-and I don’t expect you to respond.”

Soonyoung cocks his head, staring at Jihoon’s spot on the couch quizzically. 

Jihoon averts his gaze and nervously cards his fingers through his hair.  _ It’s getting so long these days _ , he thinks.

“I don’t really know how to say this,” he chuckles awkwardly, feeling his heart lodged in his throat. If he doesn’t say it now, he’ll never say it. “I’ve been meaning to say this for years. You’ve always been  _ so special  _ to me, and I-I-I…”

He stammers aimlessly for a moment, unable to say the actual words. Soonyoung’s gaze softens significantly in an attempt to comfort the other. 

“I love you,” he finally says, letting out a huge sigh. It’s a secret that’s been weighing him down for such a long time, and he feels like he can actually  _ breathe  _ now. He’s no longer harboring some great monster in his chest that he has to worry about keeping inside anymore. He catches Soonyoung’s eye, and his gaze turns serious. “And, I don’t think we should continue this if you don’t feel the same.”

Expecting Soonyoung to hum in agreement and leave him be, Jihoon waits patiently. 

But, Soonyoung doesn’t move at all. 

Rather, he just stares at Jihoon with glimmering eyes. 

“Wow, that’s kinda funny,” he mumbles, bearing a small smile. “Because, I love you too.”

Jihoon’s breath hitches. 

“I’ve just always been too scared to say it,” Soonyoung continues, sitting down next to Jihoon on the couch. Jihoon allows himself to grab Soonyoung’s hand. 

“You’ve been too scared to say it?!” Jihoon laughs incredulously, feeling his heart fluttering in his chest. In any previous circumstance, he’d be trying desperately to repress this feeling. “I’ve been  _ terrified  _ to say it.”

It’s peacefully silent for a moment. 

“What are we, then?” Soonyoung breathes, twisting his head to stare at Jihoon with glittering eyes. 

“Whatever you want to be,” Jihoon utters, truly meaning it. As long as he knows Soonyoung loves him back, he doesn’t care much about the labels. 

As long as he has Soonyoung, he’s perfectly content. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *whispers* please leave kudos/comments... im just trying to feed my family


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